Transcript:

Okay, I think we've got it. Welcome moms to our power boost for kiddos at PowerUpYourHouse.com. Today we are going to be doing our number two call in a four-call series. Each month, there are four Monday calls from 11 to 11:45, and each week rotates what it is that we actually talk about and who it is that we actually talk about. Today we are talking about the kiddos. Yes, our last week was all about the mom, and this week is all about the kiddos. I am super excited to be here today. I had a little bit of technical stuff that came up, so we're a little bit late but not too bad.

Just a reminder in case you have no idea who I am, I'm going to share my screen a little bit. Alright, my name is Ginger Cloward, and I am a mother of six, and there are a few other titles that I go by, lots of the laundry, little things like that, wiper of noses. I'm sure you moms can have your resume up here as well, right? I graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor's degree in home and family living, and it is home and family living is what I love. I absolutely love it. It's what I've devoted my life to, and I love sharing it with other moms. That's my very close second passion. I love helping moms, and hopefully, you guys can fill my passion not only for motherhood but it can spark your own passion because I think a lot of times moms get really excited about being a mom and then we get in there, and we're like, "I'm doing?" and it seems to happen with one trigger or another trigger, and all we've experienced is a little bit of a disconnect. So my hope and purpose and my intent is to reconnect you guys to something that can perhaps was flipped off, and perhaps you can then feel the power start to flow with you, with your relationships within your home, and you can have that desire you had for mothering rekindled. That is something that I'm super passionate about, and I am super excited to help you with that.

Like I said, there's a four-week series that I or four-week rotation that I follow, and so if you want to take a look at the topics, the first week is about moms. It's all about you, Mom. The second one is all about kiddos, a variety of ages because I have a variety of ages of kids, can speak to that a lot. Then the third is a wellness boost. We talk a lot about health, all sorts of types of health because as a mom, that is something we deal with, whether it's ours, or our spouses, or our children's, that is just something that's part of our life, so we talk about that. And then the fourth is a Soul boost, which kind of rotates a little bit. We're starting with a book discussion, and we'll be kicking off the book that we're going to be talking about next month. So stick around for that.

We also have my husband and I do something called Date night with Brenda, and we just did our first one, and it was actually a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun for us, it was a lot of fun for those that were watching. We loved your comments, and we do that every second and fourth week or second and fourth Friday of the month just where we share some tips and tricks, think ways to protect and connect in your marriage, and then we do talk a bit about intimacy as well because that is actually something great in marriage or it can be something great in marriage. So just a reminder that the second and fourth Friday of every month.

Today, the kiddo boost we are going to be talking about discovering who your children are and what to do with them. And to start off with, I was thinking if I could give a mom a tip, one tip, what tip would I give her? And honestly, this is the tip that popped into my head, and to help explain it, there is this Baby Blues comic that I came across, and I loved it. Now, Baby Blues, some of you may be like, "Who is Baby Blues? Who what are you talking about?" I have to tell you that when I was growing up, we actually had newspaper. I look really young, I'm still young, my kids tell me that I'm getting older, but back in the day, I remember Sunday mornings, I would go get the paper that was actually hand-delivered by somebody on their bike or in their car and wrapped up in this wad of newspaper were the Sunday comics. And in the Sunday comics, we had Baby Blues, and I loved, loved, even as a kid, reading the Baby Blues. Now that I am a mother, I have come to appreciate them on a totally different light because they touch some really just practical and everyday experiences.

If you guys can see this comic, you have a mom, you have the little boy, and you have the daughter. And if I had to put ages on these people, I would say that the little boy is somewhere between the ages of 2 and 4, and the little girl is somewhere between the ages of like 5 and 7. And then there's the mom, right? Okay, the little boy looks at the mom who is changing out her paper towel tube, and he says, "Hey, Mom, can I have the empty paper towel tube?" And she looks at him, "What for?" And then if you look at the little girl's eyeballs in the back, they are starting to bulge like, "Mom, what are you doing?" She knows something that the mom does not know. And the little boy says, "Oh, I'll find a creative use for it." And then the mom kicks into gear, right? She's like, pretending it's a telescope or a horn. She's trying to play it or a megaphone or a kaleidoscope or a tunnel or a tower. And then she hands it over to her little boy. The girl in the back, her eyes are still kind of popping out. She's like, "Mom, she knows exactly where this is going to go." The little boy takes a paper towel holder and or paper towel tube and clunk, to which the sister replies, "Hey," the mom looking a little bit exasperated turns to the boy and says, "Or a weapon." The boy responds, "Now you're starting to think like me." I have to laugh because I have seen these things where the older sibling is like catching on a little quicker than everybody else in the room. And then as a mom, you're like, "Oh yeah, that makes sense," right?

So I was thinking the tip that I would offer a mom if I only had one sitting with this mom, the tip that I would actually offer her is to meet your children, learn to meet your children where they are at, learn to be able to see their situation through their lens, their stage, their phase, their perspective, or through their lenses. If you go back to this comic, this sweet mom, she was thinking kid, but she wasn't thinking that kid, and her daughter was like thinking kid, but she was thinking that kid. And even though the mom was trying to connect, and she was trying to give these ideas that she thought would be really fun, it was from her perspective and not the perspective of her son. If you look at these pictures over here, there's some pretty epic pictures here too, especially this one on the end. That is you, I would frame that. That is an amazing picture online which was like the best, like top 20 best school pitches or most epic school pitches or something. Anyway, if you look at these kids, they've got glasses on right? And it's not the actual physical glasses that I'm referring to, it's the fact that at that stage, they are looking at life through a specific lens. This baby over here is only seeing life through the lens of a baby. This girl, she's probably like pre-teen right now. She is seeing life through the lens of a preteen. This gal over here, she is rocking it as she is seeing life through her lens. I mean, look at her hair, her clothes, her hair, like the bangs, I had bangs like that, it's amazing, right? And she's thinking, "I'm awesome." From her perspective, she's thinking, "I'm awesome." This teenage boy right here, he's in his own little world. He's seeing things through his world. And it doesn't change. We've got some older. I would think this boy right here is probably in his first couple of years of college. And it's interesting, child development. I don't know if you've ever looked at a definition of child development, but it says something along the lines of this: "The sequence of physical, language, thought, and emotional changes that occur in a child from birth to the beginning of adulthood." The interesting thing is child development is not new, the observation of child development is not new, the recording of child development is not new. It is something that is so predictable that if you were to go to, at least for us, when we went to our pediatrician, he could hand me a pamphlet that explained what to be looking for in the next phase that my children would be in. And because of that, because it's so predictable, he could give me those road signs in a little pamphlet so that I knew what to look for. And because it's so predictable, that's actually partly how they can tell if a child from really early on has something going on that's outside of the norm.

The sequence of the physical growth, the linguistical growth, the thought patterns, the emotional changes, that is actually really predictable. And the more you, as a mom, can understand that not only that it's predictable, but because it's predictable, you can take your lenses off and put their lenses on. Now, here's another story, okay? I remember I had a friend, and she and I were talking, and we both had young kids at the time, kind of like this little girl over here, right? Really young kids, probably like one, two, three, right around there. And she was really frustrated. She said at her son, he was just throwing this tantrum because something hadn't happened and he hadn't got a whole lot of sleep, and she was then kind of frazzled, and she had other kids as well, and she wanted to turn to him. She said and say, "Stop it, it's not that bad, grow up, let it go, deal with it," that kind of comment, something along that line of comment. And she said as soon as she turned around to reprimand him, all of a sudden she had a very distinct thought pop into her head, and it said, "Mom, actually, this is probably the hardest day he's ever had, this is probably the biggest moment he's ever had to deal with because he's never dealt with it before." And she said when she had that thought, she just stopped, and she realized that she was seeing things through her own lens, just like this mom in the comic. She was even trying to relate to her child, but it was through her lens, not his lens, which the sister was like, "Mom, do you remember who you're talking to?" Well, when our kids have a bad day or even a happy day, it is... I have learned over the years for me, it has been super duper duper helpful for me to take my mom lens off, my mom age off, my mom perspective off, and shift for a minute to what they may be dealing with because they are at the forefront of their life experience. If you go back to these pictures underneath the definition of child development, you will see that the kindergarten picture over here did not come after the 12th-grade picture, it came before. It was all that they knew. They were literally at the front lines of being a kindergartener and then first grade, front lines of being a first-grader all the way up to their 12th-grade year, front lines of doing that, never having done that before, ever. And sometimes, I know as a mom, if I forget this little tip, I expect them to respond better or different than they did. But the way that they are responding is from the perspective that they have now.

That kind of leads me to this next little bit. If you were to take a picture of your lifespan right, baby to grandma, if you were to take a look at that lifespan, you would see that you also went through a series of developments, right? And I'm just going to circle this one right here as a mom, right here as a mom. I remember when I had my first child, I was the youngest of six kids. I had one sister, four brothers, and my mom and I were pretty close, and I actually looked to her a lot to know what was going to happen in my next phase or in my current phase. And I remember coming home from the hospital, and my mom called me, and it was day two, I think, maybe it was like two and a half of having a baby, and she said, "So, has your milk come in yet?" I was like, "Well, I think so, he seems happen." And she said, "Oh no, you'll know." It's like, "What do you know that I don't know?" Well, day three came, and I was... I had the experience of being super engorged, I mean hugely engorged, so sore that I did not know what to do. So I called my sister, I was like, "Hey, I need help. I am rock hard, what do I do?" And she's like, "Okay, do you have any frozen vegetables in your fridge or your freezer?" I was like, "Yeah." She's like, "Take it out, they will mold perfectly to your breast, and it will ease the pain." And I was like, "Oh, awesome." And she said, "Okay, but then when you're done with that, take a diaper, fill it with hot, hot water, and then alternate the hot and cold." I was like, "What a great tip," right? That I think it was like two or three days later, I woke up in the middle of the night. My husband actually woke me up, and he shook me, and he was like, "Hey, hey, is everything okay?" And I'm so tired, I'm like, "I think so." And he's like, "Hey, I'm soaked." I was like, "What do you mean you're soaked?" And I looked, I was so tired, I didn't even notice. I was completely wet. My sheets were completely wet, and it was so wet that all the way over to him was wet, and that's why he woke me up. I don't know what he thought happened, I did not wet the bed, but I didn't know anything about nursing pads, and I called my mom, and I was like, "Hey, mom, my milk came in, and you warned me about that, but you failed to tell me about nursing pads." And she was like, "Oh, did I forget that little bit of information?" "Yes, mom, you did." I remember just being soaked and feeling kind of dumb, and at the time, I was a little irritated, I was like, "There's so many new things for me, I thought you would tell me this." And she, not that it was her responsibility, but we just had a really close relationship like that. So I remember getting nursing pads, I asked around different moms and my sisters-in-law to see which kind they liked. I learned a ton about nursing pads because I asked around.

Our kids, this little... This little picture over here, we have the phases of the mom, right? We have the phases of the kids. Kids, especially when they're little, you are their go-to. You are their go-to. But if they are having a day like this, the last thing my kids needed me to say was, "Stop it, deal with it, it's not that big of a deal," even though I was frustrated and I kind of wanted to say that. Fortunately, I was learning some things that helped me see that that would not be very helpful for them, and it wouldn't be very helpful for our situation, and it wasn't going to work really well in our home. We would just have major frustration, disconnects in relationships, and it wouldn't be flowing very well, not what I was looking for as a mom and my relationships in the home. It was way more helpful to learn that skill, to take my perspective off, remember that they had never gone through this before, and to put those lenses on. The interesting thing is and why I put these two pictures together, you have a toddler, right? And then I have this teenager, and she's having a bad day. I'm not sure what is... is the bad day if like the party didn't go the way she was hoping, or maybe her little sister gave her a makeover and then took her picture and put it on Facebook or Instagram before she could see what it was. I don't know, something about this experience is not going well for her, and the interesting thing is because it's not going well for her, she's falling apart. Right? Well, sometimes we as moms, as I... I can tell you that I've had these days as my kids get older and they are wiser, sometimes I think that they actually are no longer at the forefront of their... of their life, and because of that, they can handle things better, and they ought to handle things better. And so I'm a little surprised when they handle things the way that they did. But the truth is, going back to this picture, what I love about this picture is that every year marks a brand new year facing a new direction. So even when you have toddlers, that's where they are, but again, when you have teenagers, they have never done the teenage years before, not with that group of friends, not in that year with school. Just like me as a mom, even though I had... I could relate to younger kids, I could relate to adolescence, I could relate to even the college years, even newlyweds because I had been there, done that, as I face something new as a mom, I actually needed help. It was... I was at the forefront of that part of my life. So remembering that when you were chatting with your kids, if they're having great excitement or if they're having a bad, bad, bad day, just if you can take your lens off the time where I could take my lens off and just sit for a minute and think, "What are they going through? And what is their phase? What is their age? What is their stage? And what's their environmental situation? What's their social situation like? What else has been going on in the home?" And when I can do that, I can better understand why they are doing what they're doing. If they're nagging me, yep, they probably need play, and it's not a want, it's a need because they're trying to get their needs met from an adult. You can be like, "You don't need that, trust me, life can be harder and you can survive." Well, that's the perspective, your perspective from an adult, not from a child. And that actually leads me to this. There are a few steps that I actually take, and these have been super helpful steps that I'm going to share with you so that if this is a new concept to you or if this is something that you struggle with because maybe perhaps in your own phase, your current phase, you are experiencing intensity in your new phase and sometimes it's hard to remember that to do, to know what to do, not to remember, but sometimes it's challenging to know what to do when you yourself are facing something new. So, I broke this down into three steps you can take that hopefully you can remember and be helpful as you are interacting with your kids.

Okay, step one: take a time, take a minute to remember what age and stage they are in, right? And we'll talk about this in just a second, but take a moment and remember, do you know anything about their stage, actually? And if not, then perhaps you can learn a little bit about their current stage, and I'll get to that in just a second. Once you have their stage, age, and phase in mind, go to step two: put yourselves in their shoes. Do you remember what it was like? It's challenging, especially when it's new, especially because of the phase that they just went through where all they know is about their world, everything really does revolve around their world, and all of a sudden, they're being thrown into... have them share, have them give something that they want over to somebody else. What does that mean? Are they ever going to get it back? Like, this is all new to them, right? Having compassion for what they may be feeling or what they may be trying to comprehend. And the same thing with the teenagers, just because they look bigger, they wear the same size clothes as you, and it's just as expensive to buy their shoes, does not mean that they have the mental maturity or the emotional maturity to handle the situation like you would handle the situation. So in all phases, remember that, remembering that has made a huge, huge, huge difference in my home as I try to interact with my children, especially when they're falling apart or they're super excited, right? Now, step three: after you take a minute and remember what age and stage they're in and then after you put yourselves in their shoes, go back to your conversation, go back to your interaction, and then see if it changes. So if you remember their age and stage and you remember what it was like for you when you were there, then chances are, your interaction is going to be different. And I'll just give you a quick example before I wrap up. So a couple of days ago, I had a kiddo come to me, and he was frustrated because he has a full schedule, and he does a lot of extra-curricular activities because, you know, they get bored when they don't do extra-curricular activities, and it's also kind of like on their record for when they want to apply for college and scholarships. And he's like, "I'm overwhelmed." I was like, "I know." Right? Instead of saying, "Well, that's what happens when you have a full schedule, you have to do what you have to do," I did not say that. I said, "Okay, let's talk about it. What can we do to make this a little bit easier for you?" And we did. We came up with a plan. We're actually implementing the plan this week, and he feels so much better. But because I was able to remember what it was like for me when I had the full schedule, when I was his age, and I had a full schedule, when I was his age, and I was overwhelmed, the interaction changed completely. So, I hope that makes sense. I hope that was helpful. If you guys have any comments, I would love to see them in the chat. And, oh, I forgot. As far as learning about the phases of your kids, the ages and stages of your kids, let me show you where to go. So, this is what I would recommend. So, this book is amazing. It's called The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel. I would highly recommend this. It talks about the different ages and stages of your child's brain development. And so I would highly recommend that you read that. I would also recommend this book, The Five Love Languages of Children. Again, very interesting book. It talks about the different ways that your children will show love, and it's not always going to be the same. And if you have a child that is maybe giving you a little bit of a hard time, maybe it's just because their love language is a little different than yours. And then if you're really wanting to dive deep into understanding your children, and I would recommend that you read these books called The Birth Order Book and Parenting By the Book. They're very interesting, especially if you have more than one child. So, hopefully, that was helpful for you. If you have any questions, I would love to see your questions. And if not, then I will see you guys next week. We're going to be talking about wellness boost, and I have some really fun ideas that I would like to share with you.

You have to be willing to be able to understand that they are not your own little subjects in your home to be told what to do. They are actually there for you to help guide them and support them for them to not only know they have wings but to start flapping them so that they are flapping them in your home. So, by the time they leave, they actually can be fully functioning adults. Not like, "Well, good luck serves you right and I can't wait for you to see how life really works." You can do that but that is evidence of a disconnect that you can fix and evidence of a disconnect that will later continue to perpetuate because that's all it is, it's a disconnect. It's a disconnect of your understanding of their understanding and being able to relate to each other.

Helping that, knowing that this is often a disconnect for moms, this is one of my favorite things to talk about teenagers, teenagers specifically. Boys will do something really interesting. They will specifically pull away from the mom, which looks like contention, defiance, a refusal to obey, or just silently ignoring or not following through with what the mom has asked. And I think that's why sometimes teenagers look at moms like, "Seriously?" Or the mom looks at the teenager like, "Seriously, I can't wait till you leave." But honestly, you can't wait till they leave because they are becoming independent.

The reason why specifically the boy has to disconnect is because boys by development actually have a lead out response. Most boys fall into that category. There are some natures that can make it look like that's not happening, but read your books, good books, evidence-based books. You will find that they actually do have those instincts to lead out. And when they're supported and when they're reflected back for what they are, it's super beneficial for the team. It is super beneficial for the relationship. And it's very helpful for the mom.

It's a sign that you know what? I'm actually gonna have to start letting you go pretty soon. So how I handle this situation in our home is I do a lot of reflection back to them, knowing that all they're doing is spreading their wings so that they can be the lead out person in their life, which you want. You don't want to follow her right somebody that can lead out in their life with their own decisions, with their own path.

I reflect back when they are doing something, "Hey, in the morning, I say, "Hey, what's your plan for the day? Okay, what do you want to do? What are you feeling like you need to do?" Instead of, "Hey, here's your list of jobs. It needs to be done by 12 or else I'm G to take the car away. You're not going to lose your life. You can't go out with your girlfriend. Can't go out with your friends." That is a power struggle. And that power struggle from a development side is actually not going to serve either one of you or your relationship well.

Instead, ask them, "What's your plan? What do you think you need to do? What things around the house do you still need to do?" And get their feedback. A lot of times in the teenage years, defiance can be confused with the fact that, at the forefront of their phase, something is off. And teenagers spend a lot of time with friends, away from home, or at work, and there are things that I don't see as a mom.

And so when they aren't tasking well, I don't always take it as a sign that they're being defiant or that they're pulling away. Sometimes I'm like, "Hey, how was everything? Hey, how was your date last night? Hey, how's work going?" And I try and get into their heart, heart and their mind a little bit, to like I said, take my lenses off, put their lenses on and ask questions so that I know where they're at.

And then the fact that I have asked them their plan gives them that sense of autonomy that they really needed when they were toddlers and they need it once again as teenagers so that they can be prepared to handle their own life. So, ask questions instead of giving directions. Ask questions instead of giving demands. Find out what they need to do. Guide them through.

Oh, by the way, yesterday, um, I saw that this happened. That is going to need to be cleaned up because I need this to happen. With my teenagers, part of their development as well is learning how to navigate his, hers, mine, and ours. So when they have things that are coming into my space, I will tell them, "Hey, just so you know, I'm needing this to be cleaned up because if I don't, when I have these people come over, we're not going to be able to do our thing."

And when I'm respectful to them, it's much easier for them to remember or to learn how to be respectful in an adult world because I'm treating them like adults but not that I'm expecting that they know how to be an adult. I'm just teaching them how adults interact and I have healthy adult interactions, for the most part. Definitely things to work on, but for the most part, just like probably you.

So, if I would interact with another adult in a certain way, that's how I transition my teens so that when they are out of the home, they actually can see with those lenses and the lenses of how to be respectful. Um, teenage girls are a little bit different for whatever reason. They don't need to pull away and still be able to develop the same autonomy. Some girls will, if their nature, again nature different than development, if their nature is a little bit more of like an outward movement or a physical movement then you can see some clashes if you are telling them what to do.

If their nature, again not development but nature, is more of one more of a, um, an their own authority you will see that push back and those women, those teenage girls that have that will likely do a lot of good in the world in mass. So it's not that the other girls won't do a lot of great in the world but it may not be on the mass scale that the others can.

Seeing that and supporting that we'll talk about natures, I think, next week and how to be able to see the difference and separate between natures and stages, ages, and stages and gender, um, next week. But for right now just know that if your teenage girls are not pulling away but your teenage boys are, there's a tendency to like the girls more than the boys. That is harmful for a lot of things for the relationship with the boys for your relationship with your girls and for what you're about to, what you're teaching them as they leave to be out in society.

It sends really wrong messages. Instead, if you can understand this little tiny bit of child development that they are that phase that they are in that they are really just they have within them this drive to lead if you can support that, it's not personal it's really not. And actually it will help bind them to their future spouse because they don't have the apron strings with their mom they will have a heart connection but that heart connection will be much different. And it will actually help bind your marriage and it will bind your family. And if you don't do that there's going to be a lot of contention and a lot of heartache and a lot of heartache that you don't need.

If you've been there, you know what I'm talking about. And if you haven't yet, pay attention and learn now so that you can navigate through those teenage years and still have your relationship with your kids at the end because it's really sad to see the disconnection that happens between moms and teenage boys. It doesn't need to happen.

I'm going to take a quick break and I'm going to take a drink and I'm going to ask if there's any questions so far about teenage boys. They're so fun to me. And I really, really hope that you can start to embrace them in a little bit different way. They are amazing individuals and if you can learn how to dance with them, it's going to be awesome.


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